The 5 Love Languages

Pursuing a  happy relationship needs effort. Appropriate communication is the key to a good relationship. However, people generally say love, like any other art, doesn't depend on language. People can indeed express their feelings without the help of a language. Ironically a  significant number of romantic relationships fail due to their poor understanding of each other, even though both of them clearly articulate what they want in a relationship. Why would a breakup happen when both communicate the language they know? Why would a husband or a wife seeks a legal separation after many years? The simple answer is that both of them fail to understand each other's love language.

All of us learn our mother tongue or primary language first. As we grow up, we study a second language and other official languages to speak with others. When we meet an individual whose mother tongue is different, we can communicate in a common language known to both parties. Even in love, every individual has a primary love language. They are satisfied only when their romantic partner communicates with them in their language. Just imagine when you speak to a stranger in your mother tongue that is not known to him. How would he react? It is not hard to imagine his perplexed look. And he may even feel humiliated as he misunderstands that you are insulting him. Such is the situation of every individual in a romantic relationship. They attempt to communicate in a love language known to them and expect the same from their partner. Unfortunately, in some cases, the primary love language of their partner is different from their language.  This leads to experience bitterness in their relationship.

There are 5 primary love languages. In each love language, there are few dialects. Every individual should attempt to find which one is the language of their partner. If they identify the love language and communicate in their primary language, their love life reaches a new dimension.

 

1.     Words of Affirmation

One way to express love emotionally is through verbal compliments. One of my friends appreciated the singing skills of his wife with me many times.  His wife gave up singing. However, he encouraged her to sing again and take that as a career. His empowering words and support enabled her to practice again. Now she is getting some corporate projects and other opportunities.

  Finding the untapped potential of a spouse and encouraging them to restart is one of the dialects of Words of Affirmation. The second way to build an intimate relationship is to appreciate the spouse for doing some task. If your husband washes dishes, it merits appreciation as most of the husbands don't do. If your wife is independent enough to drive your kids to school, you should appreciate her as it reduced your burden.

When you want some favor from your spouse, use kind words. An ancient sage once said, "A soft answer turns away anger."  Even when your spouse is angry at you for some reason, allow him to vent his anger and try to understand from his perspective. Use soft words to confess and apologize.

 Appreciating your spouse before their parent is also an effective way to build a healthy relationship. In case their primary language is words of affirmation, they would be pleased to know how grateful you are to them.

 

2.     Quality Time

Words of appreciation and encouragement are the primary love language of some people in a relationship. That motivates them to contribute more to a relationship. However, this is not the primary love language of all individuals. While they don’t have any issues accepting appreciation, some people long for something more than that. That is Quality Time. As the term suggests, some people expect that their spouse should give some time to them. Some husbands are so much engrossed in work to reach the higher ladder of their profession. In the race to acquire a high position in their job, they tend to overlook their spouse with excuses that whatever they are toiling is for their family. But, not giving quality time has become a deal-breaker in many relationships.

 If your spouse is expecting you to spend time with her, that is her primary language. You have to spend quality time with your spouse understanding her needs. Professional growth is, without a doubt, necessary for any individual. But that growth should happen with the development of the family. Success in a profession but failure in a personal relationship is not a worthy life.

Just spending time is not enough. Giving focused attention to your spouse is the key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time. Just living in close proximity and doing some work that distracts the communication is not giving quality time.

Quality Conversation is a dialect of Quality Time. While you are spending time with your spouse, your communication should go beyond casual conversation. You should try to understand the feelings behind each sentence she utters. You should be a sympathetic listener to understand her thoughts, feelings, and desires.

An individual should also Learn to Talk with their spouse if their spouse expects the same. Quality Activities is another dialect of some individuals. Here they wish that their partner should join them and do some activities together. Doing something that both have some interest doesn't just mean love. It is love’s loudest voice for some people.

 

 3.     Receiving Gifts

 Anthropologists conducted studies across various cultures in many countries. They learned that giving gifts is a  part of the love-marriage process. This is common among all cultures. There are individuals whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

All couples share gifts during their courtship, but after marriage, that process stops owing to financial burden and ignorance. You may not be used to receiving gifts. But you should understand the importance of giving, especially if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.  This is the effortless love language to learn.

People who like to receive gifts don't expect a costly gift from their spouse. Not all the presents you give need to be expensive. Sometimes a handmade gift also means a lot to your spouse. There are many other gifts that are easily affordable.

If you don't mind spending money, buying a gift for your spouse won’t be an issue for you. But if you are the type of person who focuses more on savings, you find it a challenge to spend money on gifts. However, you must buy gifts because you should think that you’re investing in a lifelong relationship. This is more valuable than saving money. This is even equivalent to investing in a blue-chip stock.

One of the dialects of receiving gifts is the gift of self. You should be with your spouse when they need you the most. Your presence has tremendous power. Physical presence in crucial times, either happy or sad conditions, is the most powerful gift you can give to your spouse.

 

4.     Acts of Service

We grow up modeling our parents. In most cases, we follow and expect our spouse to perform the same role and responsibilities our parents performed as husband and wife. In many conservative families, elders don't compel boys to wash dishes or clothes to do any household works. As a result, the boys who grow up in such conditions are most likely to expect their wives to do such tasks.

It is a normal thing to model the father and mother. However, time has changed. We should reexamine the stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives.

Acts of service means doing household works. It can be cooking, washing dishes, paying bills, washing the car, making the bed,  bathing the child, the list goes on. In the past, only wives are expected to perform such roles. But, now the time has changed, and since in most urban families, when both go out to work, the husband has to share some household errands. Even if only a husband is the breadwinner, some tasks need to be shared if his wife’s primary love language is Acts of Service. This is true even when the husband’s primary love language is Acts of Service.

Acts of service are not restricted to only household works. There are some non-chore ways of serving your mate. Fulfilling some of the needs of your spouse also comes under this category. In some instances, the love language of both the husband and wife is Acts of Service. In that case, they should clearly express what kinds of service they expect from each other and commit to fulfilling each other's needs.

5.     Physical Touch

It is a well-known fact that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. From holding hands to sexual intercourse, there are many ways of expressing love to one's spouse.

A touch can cause pain or pleasure. The touch that brings pleasure to you may not bring pleasure to your spouse.

There is appropriate and inappropriate touch to the members of the opposite sex in every culture. Within marriage, what is a proper and improper touch is determined by couples. Though our bodies are meant for touching, they should not be used for abuse.

If the love language of a person is Physical Touch, they expect it from their spouse. It is much needed during the time of miserable circumstances. More than any words of consolation, a simple touch of holding hand would do more than anything. Therefore, it is crucial to understand the primary love language of their spouse and act accordingly.

Now you have learned the 5 love languages. The next step is to discover your love language. Well, that requires another write-up. Will come up with that post based on your comments and demands!

Happy married life.

(This post is based on the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.)